1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed in preparation for my promotion to management.
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 10/18. Please be patient and your mails will be deleted in the order they were received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each word thereafter.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals actually did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 10 weeks, if I am still around then.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
12: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'