I really think we need to start this. I will go 1st.



A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.



With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.



Next she picked up a hacksaw.



The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire.

nice....

So there are 2 muffins cooking in the oven.
The first muffin turns to the second and say's, "Man it sure is getting hot in here"
The second muffins say's. "Holy Sh*t, a talking muffin!!!"

Enjoy

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “SEX!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?”
Howard smiled and replied "Parkinson's!”

Oh. When you said "bad" joke of the day you meant "naughty."
Hmmmm...

Come on its old people. I mean look at them.......their old.

nate wrote:Come on its old people. I mean look at them.......their old.

id rather not look :)=)

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Nate is NOT invited to Baby K's, however... 8|

I think I liked you better with tube bumpers... LOL

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

Catholic Upbringing


As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting,

my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found

in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession

in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would

somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick,

feed the hungry and clothe the naked,'

I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'





See picture 1 (rags)





So I did.........



See picture 2 (ouch)



I Won't be at Mass this week

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty, woman walked into Wal-Mart

with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through

the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and

welcome to Wal-Mart.Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they

ain't'. 'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would

you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' 'I'm neither

blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't

believe you got laid twice.' "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

:lol:
Now THAT is a good one

:lol::lol:

ROFLMAO :)=)

That was great, I bet they could use that line about 50 times a day and it would not be said to the same person.

Good one.... thanks for the laugh :)=)

Indian With One Testicle



There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................

OH, come on..take a guess!

Think about it.

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is


...You can't kill two birds with one stone

A Muslim dies and goes to heaven .

He's so excited, 'cause all his life he longed for the moment that he would
finally meet Mohammed.

He arrives at heaven's portal and sees a man with a beard.

"Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son, I'm Petrus. Mohammed is still a bit higher", and Petrus points
at a ladder that disappears high in the clouds.

Overjoyed that Mohammed is higher than Petrus, our muslim starts to climb
the ladder.

Above he meets another man with a beard.

"Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, I'm Moses. Mohammed is still a bit higher".

Mohammed higher than Moses ! Fantastic, and our friend flies up the next
ladder.

Arriving up there, he again sees a man with a beard.

"Mohammed?" he asks again.

"No, I'm Jezus. Mohammed is on the highest floor."

"Unbelievable, Mohammed is altogether on the top."

The next ladder was climbed at topspeed and at the top stands a stately man
with a beard.

"Mohammed?" our out of breath muslim asks.

"No, I'm God the Father. You look very tired and thirsty. Would you like
something to drink?"

"Yes,a coffee, please."

God the Father turns around, claps his hands and yells :
"Mohammed, one coffee and a pint, and hurry it up!"

Might be a repost but......

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them
were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a
Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and
your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ' That would make me an Obama
fan!'

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

An old favorite of mine

An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens since the old was getting up there in years. He picked one up a fine younf one from the town market and brought him back home. The first thing the new rooster does is head straight for the barn, and struts right up to the old rooster. “Listen here, old man, I’m the new game in town, prepare to step down, all these hens now belong to me for whatever use I see fit.” The old rooster puts his head down and says, “I understand how it works, I was the new strapping young rooster a long time ago. I ask only one thing, the older hen in the far corner of the barn… we’ve become quite fond of each other through the years. Please leave me her to live out my days with.”
The new rooster took a few steps forward and said, “Maybe you didn’t hear me old timer, every one of these birds is mine now. No exceptions. Get lost.”
The old rooster fumbling for words, is struck with an idea and humbly asks if a challenge could be arranged in which if he were to win, he would still get to keep his old flame.
The new rooster with all the air of arrogance laughs and asks, “Pray tell what could you could offer in competition against I?”
Before the old rooster could even finish his proposal of a simple race around the big chicken barn, the new rooster broken down in hysterical laughter. “How could you even imagine this request of yours be fair old man?” The old rooster contorted, “If you think you need more of a challenge against me in front of your new flock, why not give me a starting lead.” The new rooster not only agreed to this laughable farce, but told the elderly cock to take all the lead he thought he needed. The challenge was agreed to and they exited the barn in watch of the now excited nesting hens.
The old bird took his lead a quarter length from the start and the old hen began the countdown. All eyes on their old figurehead, no one saw the new rooster take his early start on 2 but nonetheless the race was underway. By the time the old roster had finally reached the first corner of the barn, the new rooster had breached the once sizeable gap down to half. Looking back just before completing the second side, the old tiring rooster could see his nemesis only a few feet off, crazy with delight on his advance almost having him cinched for the win. As they rounded the second corner the farmer and his neighbor were coming through the barnyard now alert to some unseen commotion. The racing birds now came into view with the old rooster pushing everything he had in a failing effort to keep his lead. Before the neighbor finished his astonished question into what in the Sam Hell was going on, the farmer’s shot gun blast interrupted all happenings and to his added amazement, he saw the farmer’s new rooster fall dead feathers still in chase. “What the Hell Jasper?!?! Isn’t that new rooster you just bought?!?”
“Ayup,” replied a cool and calm Jasper.
“Then why in tarnation did you just lay ‘em down??”
“Well, Clyde, I don’t profess to know what it’s all comin’to, but I’ll be damned if that ain’t the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”